It's official, I'm the 40 year old virgin. No relationships, no sex, and a fair amount of dancing.
I'll start with the TL
R
I just turned 40 and have barely dated. I've never had a girlfriend, relationship or even sex. I've had a couple female friends over time. I seem to find a new friend every couple of years but otherwise by myself.
That "Dont chase women" or "Let women come to you" advice is BS for me. I HAVE to because they dont come to me!
Details
In my teens and 20s I remember wondering how to get a girlfriend. It was upsetting to me that other guys (even "normal" guys who were not particularly good with women) were having success and I was not. I was upset that I'd never even danced with a girl, no prom, sadie hawkens, nothing. In hindsight in high school there was one girl I could have asked to prom but that was unthinkable!
So I learned to dance. New York Salsa, then Ballroom (Waltz, Foxtrot, Rumba.. etc), then Tango. I spent years in lessons and social dancing. I never got to the top of the heap of the social scene. Now, I can go have a good time at pretty much any venue but I have to be active in asking people to dance. At the higher levels that's not always the case. A high level lead (which admittedly is just as many parts social to parts dance) is sought after, just like the high level follows. The problem is you ask a lady to dance, you dance, you say thanks and move on. I do not know how to build these relationships.
I also tried some pick-up. RSD, Mystery Method. That stuff is nasty and manipulative. However it taught me the why behind why I was not succeeding in dating and even in the dance community. I'm not good at playfulness/wit/banter or at "offering value". I don’t have witty lines to break though a girls shields to get to deeper conversation. If we can keep a conversation logical or slightly emotional OR if she likes to talk. I do just fine!!
That bit on offering value and being an engaging socialite becomes more important for me because I'm height challenged at 5'3 and also a bit socially challenged (or offering value challenged) as we discussed. I have more work to do, especially initially, as a short shy man than a tall shy man, or even a tall extroverted man.
Offering value is important in convo and in dance.
Awhile back I went to lunch with some friends/co-workers and we got started talking about relationships. People were talking about their significant others. Eventually it became my turn and I was very honest and said I had little experience with all this. Eventually one of the guys who has been to my dance shows said "even with all that dance experience you have, no way!" So I started making stuff up from various relationship books I've read and sessions with therapists.
I've had sessions with therapists/relationship coaches about this. They say I do just find and having the type of conversation you'd find in an LTR. I'd just fine IRL. However they are in business of teaching people to deepen a relationship, not get into one!
That "Dont chase women" or "Let women come to you" advice is BS for me. I HAVE to because they dont come to me! There is a difference between "let women come to you" and "I dot not know how to engage you/flirt with you." How do chase them better? Where is the line between creep and sexy?
This sucks. Thoughts/Advice?
I'll start with the TL
RI just turned 40 and have barely dated. I've never had a girlfriend, relationship or even sex. I've had a couple female friends over time. I seem to find a new friend every couple of years but otherwise by myself.
That "Dont chase women" or "Let women come to you" advice is BS for me. I HAVE to because they dont come to me!
Details
In my teens and 20s I remember wondering how to get a girlfriend. It was upsetting to me that other guys (even "normal" guys who were not particularly good with women) were having success and I was not. I was upset that I'd never even danced with a girl, no prom, sadie hawkens, nothing. In hindsight in high school there was one girl I could have asked to prom but that was unthinkable!
So I learned to dance. New York Salsa, then Ballroom (Waltz, Foxtrot, Rumba.. etc), then Tango. I spent years in lessons and social dancing. I never got to the top of the heap of the social scene. Now, I can go have a good time at pretty much any venue but I have to be active in asking people to dance. At the higher levels that's not always the case. A high level lead (which admittedly is just as many parts social to parts dance) is sought after, just like the high level follows. The problem is you ask a lady to dance, you dance, you say thanks and move on. I do not know how to build these relationships.
I also tried some pick-up. RSD, Mystery Method. That stuff is nasty and manipulative. However it taught me the why behind why I was not succeeding in dating and even in the dance community. I'm not good at playfulness/wit/banter or at "offering value". I don’t have witty lines to break though a girls shields to get to deeper conversation. If we can keep a conversation logical or slightly emotional OR if she likes to talk. I do just fine!!
That bit on offering value and being an engaging socialite becomes more important for me because I'm height challenged at 5'3 and also a bit socially challenged (or offering value challenged) as we discussed. I have more work to do, especially initially, as a short shy man than a tall shy man, or even a tall extroverted man.
Offering value is important in convo and in dance.
Awhile back I went to lunch with some friends/co-workers and we got started talking about relationships. People were talking about their significant others. Eventually it became my turn and I was very honest and said I had little experience with all this. Eventually one of the guys who has been to my dance shows said "even with all that dance experience you have, no way!" So I started making stuff up from various relationship books I've read and sessions with therapists.
I've had sessions with therapists/relationship coaches about this. They say I do just find and having the type of conversation you'd find in an LTR. I'd just fine IRL. However they are in business of teaching people to deepen a relationship, not get into one!
That "Dont chase women" or "Let women come to you" advice is BS for me. I HAVE to because they dont come to me! There is a difference between "let women come to you" and "I dot not know how to engage you/flirt with you." How do chase them better? Where is the line between creep and sexy?
This sucks. Thoughts/Advice?
